The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the condom got lost in my hair
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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