i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
