i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
