A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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