mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
