just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
