my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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