matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
