he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
