i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
