sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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