Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
