at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
