i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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