Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
