My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
