i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
