The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
