if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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