We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
