Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize