Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
