Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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