??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
