I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My ass is underappreciated
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
