I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize