pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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