I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We need to rekindle our bromance
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
