Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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