I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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