I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
