mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
