I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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