what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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