i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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