His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
