i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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