If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
