You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
