ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
