Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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