Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
