dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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