So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
