Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
