I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish they made helmets for livers.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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