you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
