i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
