Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
