I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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