my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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