I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
