Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
