im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
