I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
