My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
its not stalking. its research.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
