What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just want to make out with him forever
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
