I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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