OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
